Two of my good friends are on the rocks with their partners. This happens to a lot of people during their INSEAD year. On the flip side, it also means a lot of hook-ups!
Why break-ups?
Well I am not your usual agony aunt but I think I have something to say here. INSEAD is an adrenaline injected, super-charged life where you feel like the king of the world. Life here is full of excitement and possibilities. The school admin on their part tell you that the world is your oyester. You can become that snooty rich PE guy or the entrepreneur who can create the next big thing in renewables. With all this madness around, you are hard pressed for time.
And then you get a call from your partner who is miles away and is mad about the little dent on her car. She starts the story about how she left home in the morning for work, how she had tons of things on her mind and before she could finish, you interrupt, "Cut the crap, a dent is no big deal. Dont worry about it. I gotta go now".
You change as a person. Your partner not being at INSEAD means that she has no clue of whats going on in your life. You forget the person you were when you left your partner behind for this MBA. And instead of getting your head out of your ass and think about it, you complain that your partner does not understand you well, is not practical enough etc. But you dont remember that in the months preceding MBA, your partner was there with you, listening to all your gibberish about how badly you need this admit, how your job sucks and you want to do so much more in life. You were shitting yourself about this MBA, finances etc. and your partner was there supporting you all throughout. Perhaps, you are here because your partner encouraged you since that very first moment when you thought of getting an MBA.
My only advice is that dont forget who you are. Dont forget your priorities because all being great about INSEAD, sadly it has to end in 11 months. When you talk to your partner, be the same person you were before INSEAD. Invest in your relationship because that is more valuable than another weekend getting sloshed.
(I told you I suck at this agony aunt gig!!)
Signing off with one of my favourite tunes.
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5 comments:
You're actually good at this, I just forwarded the post to my girlfriend. If the dignfest continues, maybe you could write an agony aunt column. You just need to watch the fucking language ;)
A banker with emotions...interesting. All the best with your application. Let me know how it goes !
This is very true. I had to play the role of marriage counselor to several people while I was doing my MBA.
Not sure you've read my 3-part series "Get an MBA, Get a Divorce" -- http://www.geekmba360.com/?p=82.
Pretty neat description. I think I fell into this trap. My gf left me heartbroken, probably because I wasn't able to emotionally understand her (as I was busy with my school and she wasn't)... But again, that is no reason to leave someone who loves to truly...
This post is as poignant now as it was four years ago.
This past year my fiancée started at INSEAD and I followed three months later. I packed up our house, left my job, and followed her across the world. The INSEAD year was to be a great year for both of us, filled with academics, travelling, marriage and the potential of the future. I supported her application immensely, we both jumped for joy when she got in, and the future looked bright.
When I arrived in Singapore my spouse had changed. She was on a promiscuous, narcissistic bender, partying, sleeping around, participating in INSEAD’s ‘pajama day.' Before P2 finals began, we were over.
If you and your partner are embarking on an INSEAD MBA, and you want a committed long-term relationship, think carefully. INSEAD will likely pose challenges to your relationship. I know couples make it through INSEAD unscathed, but plenty don’t. I was in a very committed relationship for the INSEAD year – our wedding date set, the invites were out, the band was booked, and yet things happened that irreparably destroyed our relationship. It could happen to you.
Before embarking on an INSEAD year as a couple, I suggest:
1. Think first about whether INSEAD is really the right place. Don’t get me wrong, INSEAD is a great business school, and it looks like a blast, but it is a very intensive inward facing bubble for young, aspiring students who want to explore. It certainly can be life changing, but the conditions are not great for monogamy. I’d suggest couples consider two-year MBA programs, of which there are plenty great ones. It may seem counter-intuitive, but two-year programs have a reputation for being less intense and in turn less frothy.
2. If it has to be INSEAD, arrive together, be with each other early and often, spend time with other couples at the start. I understand early on, there is a lot of eyeing up, and coupling up, which slows down as the year goes on. For the brief time I was there, dinnertime conversation centered on “who in the class do you want to shag?” It is wise that you are known as a couple when that conversation starts.
3. Take a lot of time out of the schedule to be together, and travel together. There will be lots of pressure on the attending student to do things with the student body. Resist it. Certainly if you are in Singapore, there is plenty to do around the city, and SE Asia (or Europe) is beckoning for weekends and breaks. The student will pass their exams. Don’t worry.
INSEAD may also want to think about how they can better support couples and partners. Some elements are in place, although I would question if they are enough. The collateral damage from an MBAers exploration is too often absorbed by the partner who has doubled down to support their partner’s aspirations. The partner may not be fee-paying student, but they can feel the adverse brunt of the “INSEAD effect” in life-altering proportions. Although partners may be viewed by INSEAD as ancillary, the impact from the partner’s experience to the INSEAD brand and promise is very real. And really, what are the academic merits of pajama day?
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